Typically, the decision to separate between spouses results from accumulations, including ignoring the power of words and their impact on a partner's feelings, which can create scars in the heart that may never heal, affecting both partners' lives and pushing them to end their relationship. In this regard, psychologist Courtney Warren, in an article for "CNBC," observed that many unhealthy relationship dynamics are fueled by weak communication skills.
The Harvard-trained psychologist, who has spent 20 years working with couples, found that the most damaging way to communicate with a partner is through contempt. Warren explained that contempt is the belief that someone is beneath you, worthless, or someone you can mock. According to her, when someone feels contempt for their partner, they justify humiliating, embarrassing, or hurting that partner.
Warren discussed a phrase that reflects contempt, which she has seen destroy relationships more than any other over her 20 years of work: "I wish we had never met." She also identified other phrases that convey contempt and threaten relationships, including:
- "You’ve ruined my life."
- "You are an annoyance."
- "I don’t care what you think or how you feel."
- "You are pathetic."
- "You don’t deserve my time."
- "You owe me. I’ve put up with you for years."
- "If we didn’t have kids, I would have left you immediately."
- "You disgust me."
- "No one wants you."
Contempt can also be expressed through non-verbal gestures, such as rejecting body language or dramatic eye movements, according to Warren. All of this leads to belittling the other person and creates a contradiction in the relationship that can ultimately destroy the foundation of healthy romantic communication and diminish satisfaction between both parties.
If you feel contempt towards your partner, how can you address it? According to Warren, if one partner finds themselves feeling some contempt towards their partner, there are ways to combat this feeling so it does not harm the relationship, including:
- **Stop.** When you feel emotionally upset or excited, pause for a moment before saying anything. Choose your words carefully and communicate with respect and kindness, rather than hurt.
- **Take responsibility.** This involves acknowledging your choices and your part in the dysfunction.
- **Apologize.** Sincerely say you are sorry when you do something hurtful or wrong.
- **Learn to argue productively.** You and your partner are a team; the goal is to communicate in ways that preserve mutual respect.
- **Hold onto your love for your partner.** When you wish to criticize or change them, remember why you connected in the first place.
According to Warren, the greatest advice she can offer people is to feel gratitude; there is always something to learn from conflicts. Look for something positive you can derive from every fight, even if the process is upsetting.
