A scientific study involving 40,000 marriages over 50 years aimed to establish the key foundations for ensuring the stability of marital relationships and avoiding divorce. The study was conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz, founders of the Gottman Institute for Psychological Studies, and authors of "The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy" and "The Ten Principles of Effective Couples Therapy." According to what was published by CNBC, the psychologists stated that while each marriage is unique, with its own set of challenges, there is a common factor among all couples: they want to feel appreciated and have their efforts recognized. Thus, the password for successful marriages is the word "Thank you."
A thriving marital relationship requires a culture of appreciation and gratitude, where one should excel at noticing what their partner does right, focusing on the positives rather than the negatives. This culture can be developed by eliminating toxic thinking patterns and actively seeking out the positives and saying "Thank you."
**Steps to Cultivate an Appreciation Mindset**
People often say "Thank you" throughout the day almost without thinking, whether to coworkers, a cashier at the supermarket, a stranger holding a door, or a driver who waits to let them cross the street safely. However, in the most important relationships, one can forget how vital it is to say “Thank you” to their partner.
Dr. Gottman and Dr. Schwartz state that when one spouse begins to express their appreciation for the other, it becomes easier to strengthen and flourish the marital relationship.
**Step 1: Pay Attention to Details Closely.**
Spouses should make an effort to observe their surroundings and notice the positives, ignoring the negatives. The researchers note that one can tell their partner they are observing them to better understand their day and everything they do, explaining that their behavior won’t change much once they know their spouse is paying attention to the details.
The researchers recommend that spouses express gratitude for the routine things they do, no matter how small, especially if it’s something simple they do every day. It's not just about saying, "Thank you"; it's about informing each other that a simple act is an important solution. For example, when a wife makes her husband a cup of coffee in the morning or when a husband buys groceries on his way home, the partner expresses their gratitude, explaining how it helps the day go smoothly.
**Resolving Issues**
The study clarifies that it may not be easy at first to ignore the negatives and focus on the positives; however, challenges can be overcome by following these tips:
1. Create a quick list of everything each spouse does, then select a few tasks to swap. For example, if the husband usually drops off the kids at school, the wife can do it one day a week, and vice versa for preparing meals. This step helps each person put themselves in the other’s shoes and appreciate their efforts.
2. Try to separate negative emotions from past events and focus on the present moment. Ask oneself: "Did I have these negative feelings before marriage? What triggered them?" Identifying and naming negative thoughts and feelings can help in eliminating them.
3. Constantly remind oneself that focusing on the positives and ignoring the negatives does not mean changing one’s partner's habits or behaviors but rather changing one’s own habits. This effectively disrupts the cycle of negativity in the relationship. A positive outlook, combined with feelings of contentment and gratitude, cuts off the fuel for negativity and toxic thoughts, leading to significant improvements in the marital relationship over time.
